In an unforeseen twist of events this past month, it has been revealed that the much talked about and dreaded swine flu is actually a plague from God, meant to strike Iowa for its recent decision to legalize gay marriage. The problem arose, however, when it was discovered that no cases of swine flu has yet appeared in Iowa.
God was not available for comment, but we were able to contact our source from his office, Angela.
“Apparently his Hit the World With Plague app on his iPhone malfunctioned or something,” reported Angela, who wishes to remain anonymous.
According to one Yahoo! Answers user, Slappy, it wasn’t Apple’s fault, but God’s misinformed intelligence network.
“So why would God have an outbreak start in Mexico, if Iowa allows gay marriage?” questioned Slappy, “I mean that’s waaaay off target. That’s almost like the US attacking Iraq when Afghani Terrorists attack the World Trade Cent…….oh wait. Huh. So God has the same intelligence agency as the Bush administration? Crap, that does sound like the end of the world.”
Some have speculated that this latest virus may, in fact, be the straight version of AIDS. It is yet unknown if gay people can contract swine flu, but the chances seem to be about as high as a straight person contracting HIV. And gay pigs seem to be unaffected.
While this theory has yet to be confirmed by the CDC, mentions of “straight cancer” and “swine flu cures heterosexuality” have already appeared online.
“Yeah, well, if you ask me,” our Angela confided, “I think God really fucked this one up. I mean, attacking innocent straight people with swine flu…how is he going to explain this to the Pope?”
It has yet to be determined if God plans on suing Apple for the faulty app.
I’m both conservative AND christian and I found this amazingly entertaining. Well done.