In an unforeseen twist of events this past month, it has been revealed that the much talked about and dreaded swine flu is actually a plague from God, meant to strike Iowa for its recent decision to legalize gay marriage.  The problem arose, however, when it was discovered that no cases of swine flu has yet appeared in Iowa.

God was not available for comment, but we were able to contact our source from his office, Angela.

“Apparently his Hit the World With Plague app on his iPhone malfunctioned or something,” reported Angela, who wishes to remain anonymous.

According to one Yahoo! Answers user, Slappy, it wasn’t Apple’s fault, but God’s misinformed intelligence network.

“So why would God have an outbreak start in Mexico, if Iowa allows gay marriage?” questioned Slappy, “I mean that’s waaaay off target. That’s almost like the US attacking Iraq when Afghani Terrorists attack the World Trade Cent…….oh wait. Huh. So God has the same intelligence agency as the Bush administration? Crap, that does sound like the end of the world.”

Some have speculated that this latest virus may, in fact, be the straight version of AIDS.  It is yet unknown if gay people can contract swine flu, but the chances seem to be about as high as a straight person contracting HIV.  And gay pigs seem to be unaffected.

While this theory has yet to be confirmed by the CDC, mentions of “straight cancer” and “swine flu cures heterosexuality” have already appeared online.

“Yeah, well, if you ask me,” our Angela confided, “I think God really fucked this one up.  I mean, attacking innocent straight people with swine flu…how is he going to explain this to the Pope?”

It has yet to be determined if God plans on suing Apple for the faulty app.

Many Twitterers have become familiar with the infamous Fail Whale, but the true story of this internet celebrity has only now been brought to light.  We here at WeMadeAFunny have myriad high-level connections.  We say this to assure you that this story is, while shocking, indeed true (and because “myriad” is a fun word).

While most people see the fun loving Fail Whale frolicking in a net, being lifted out of the sea by a flock of Disney-esque Twitty-birds, the truth is much more twisted and non-Disney-esque (unless you count that big penis tower in Ariel’s castle).

In a statement released today, Stan, a Twitter-employed Fail Whale net-carrier, has revealed, for the first time, the shocking context of the infamous, soon to be notorious, Fail Whale photo.

“Most twits think it’s just an innocent little sperm whale, smiling giddily as my fellow Twitty-birds, lug his ass out of a cartoon ocean,” Stan told reporters (aka Dexter Pennyfeather and Elly Mentry).  “But it’s all a big lie.  Due to our simple and un-detailed drawn bodies, no one can tell, that, in actuality, we’re his dirty little sex slaves and he loves to be tied up in that leather net of his, as we are forced to lift him high above his skeezy water bed!”

Stan is pressing charges against Twitter for indecent exposure of dork and for exploiting his ability to fulfill leather net fetishes.

Many of you may be wondering why I have not kept this aberrance of nature’s identity a secret with our signature BLACK BAR OF ANONYMITY©.  Well, quite frankly, because ugly people are significantly less ugly when you hide their faces.  After all, how can you make fun of ugly people when they wear brown paper bags over their heads?  But never fear, a post on WeMadeAFunny just wouldn’t be the same without our BLACK BAR OF ANONYMITY©…So I have provided you, the reader, with a black bar for your own face, so no one will ever know that you read this blog post.

I digress…this old-man-alien-baby has decided he is creepy and old-looking enough to run for pope.  Who knows how long good ol’ Benny will be around (after all, he’s been pretty busy building the Death Star and bitch slapping Darth Vader), so it seems likely that this vag-maggot will get his chance soon enough.

My advice to the little Pope-mobile-riding wannabe?  You’re about 700 liver spots shy of eligibility.  Shit outta luck, pal.  Looks like you’ll have to continue your existence as a constant reminder to your mother why she should never shoot heroin while watching E.T. ever again.

Clearly they haven’t figured out it’s as easy as slapping a horizontal black bar across your face. Done and done. Amateurs.

Unrelated: I saw this guy wondering around the Screenburn arcade (where all the video games were) and tried to snap a pic for Dexter cause I didn’t know what kind of space/war movie/game he came from but he looked like something he would like…turned out blurry but, still, here he is:

I’m talking about the hashtag #twitternag …to date this is the only other person who has ever used it

Come on people – start using it! …Wait…does that make me a #twitternag?

In order to accomplish this ground-breaking feat, we will need your help.  Please send us:

1. babies

2. a fat man with a ukulele (or however you spell it…fat? phat?)

3. A three-legged lion

4. a girl named What’s Her Face

We have already received one baby from an adoring reader.  He arrived in a box…from FedEx…What kind of parent would do that?  They should have used UPS!

Please help us accomplish our goal…thank you

P.S. The wave o’ babies above have not had their identities concealed because they have no identities…they are soulless creatures.  And it’s hard to make tiny black bars at different angles in Paint.

I LOVE BIC!

SHOW US YOUR TIPS! (cooking tips, that is)

Maybe more to come…

In order to protect myself and the not-so-innocent, the identities of myself, Dragon Blogger and those of the dragons involved will be protected.

The power in our office went out last week…and not just in our office…the whole friggin’ city. The culprit? Three renegade princess bitches from Disney. These racist hoes are mad that the Magic Kingdom decided to bring a black princess into the lineup. So they decided to make a “statement” by flying a Mylar balloon plastered with their likenesses into the power lines, causing a “blackout,” or as they want to refer to it as, “get the black out.”

Who do these c-rags think they are? What, they can handle Jasmine, Mulan and Pocahontas but when it comes to a black gal, they go ape-shit? Well fuck you Belle, Aurora and Cinderella.  You better watch yourselves.  Obama is not gonna put up with this shit.  And when Oprah finds out?  She’s gonna sic Sasha Fierce on your white asses!  Belle, you better hide those dirty bestiality vids you made with the Beast.  And Aurora, we all know your “beauty sleep” is really just your week-long crack binges.  Cinderella, you slut, how many doctors did it take after you kissed their snakes? Hoe.

Well, good luck Princess Tiana…the city got the power back online and we can only hope that you will bring the black power back and get these bitches fired for discrimination.  And go ahead and kick ‘em in the vag for me.